I wonder who really bothers to read all these, but all I could do to make myself feel better, its to write it out instead of saying it out to close friends because they can't understand.

Today we had a argument, it all started when he told me he got a flat from BTO at punggol with his gf or should I say 'soon to be wife' would be better. So i told him, good, finally you are getting married. then he give me the usual facial expression -.- to me. I hate it. So i ask him what else does he expect me to say when he told me this, i'm trying my best to put up a smile. and then he kept quiet, so i ask him why. he told me to keep quiet. he just dont want me to start talking about our rlsn. Fine. I told him if he dont want to talk to me then dont talk la. And he become angry, he say since I said so, don't talk anymore and say BYE to me. which I know he was really pissed off when he said that. so I replied him that he was the one who say don't want to talk to me. Why must I always give in to him. I frankly told him that, if he don't want me to bring up this issue about me and him, then don't tell me things that will upset me. Do i feel good after he told me he got a flat with his 'soon to be wife'? Obviously NO! Its just like rubbing salt on my wound. It hurts, it fucking hurts big time! Then after that he need some help and requested something urgently from me, I gave in again and helped him. I felt so stupid. But at least at the end of the day he replied: "and i'm sorry for being an asshole just now." He has never said sorry to me before. To be able to have the courage to say sorry to me, I dont know if that was from the bottom of his heart, or he just feel bad after i decided to help him. I really dont know. All I can feel is hurt, pain.

I dont even know if he still treat our rlsn as a rlsn. Or i'm just a toy for him to play when he is bored. It does sounds bad to other people around me who has been telling me to let go and give up and stop my feelings for him. 

要放，我放不下。要忘，我忘不了。

我时常问自己，为什么要自己受委屈。
既然不能成为他的女友，为何不放手。
他竟然要她不要我，我为什么不死心。
这份感情我付出的太深，我还是抱着希望有一天他会选择我。

I know I'm stupid, I'm silly.
But I can never forget the times when he keep asking me to be his gf.
How he use to call me baby when we were together.
How protected he was when with me.
How sweet the times we spend together.

But who really understands my feelings.

不想再爱了 不想舍不得 
不想要变成 最后认输的人 
想哭想疯想忘了 
你曾是我爱的那个人 ..